The majority of the population experiences persistent worry and I am among them. Some call it anxiety, stress, nervousness, or fear, all to describe fixating on an uncertainty and contemplating all possible outcomes, usually including the worst-case scenarios. For some, worry presents itself as a fear of flying or for a loved one’s failing health, for others it’s more logistical like paying bills or getting a project done on time. A psychologist friend calls it “futuring”, where we fixate on what could happen. 

In my mind there are two types of worry – things you can control and things you can’t. The things you can control are often the most troubling for me because I convince myself that the more I worry, the more likely I am to find a solution to the problem at hand, which leads to a lot of extra time spent. The things you can’t control are what I call the “crazy-makers”, because no matter how much your logical brain insists there’s no point in worrying, it feels like there is no way to stop the racing thoughts.
In either case, once the worrying brain has found something to attach itself to, it can spend hours hypothesizing and constructing elaborate tales of possible outcomes. It wrongly convinces us that somehow fixating on the future will create a change in course. While experiencing worry is a natural response to uncertainty, it doesn’t need to consume the amount of energy or number of hours it often does. 

This is a process I use to step outside myself in moments of extreme worry and approach a situation logically- an almost impossible task without intervention.

Step 1: Notice that you’re worrying.

You may realize you’ve been thinking about the same topic for more than a few minutes, or have been distracted and not engaged in the convos or activities around you. Maybe your heart rate has increased and/or body temperature has risen.

Step 2: Name the worry. 

What is the situation at hand, and what is the worst-case scenario that I fear will happen? 

• Example 1: I’m worrying because my mom is on a transatlantic flight.
  Worst-case scenario: Her plane crashes.
  
• Example 2: I received an unexpected bill and I’m not sure I have enough money to pay it.
  Worst-case scenario: I won’t be able to afford to feed and house my children. 
  
• Example 3: I’m worried because my partner is home later than expected.
  Worst-case scenario: She’s having an affair and our family will fall apart. 

Sometimes this step alone can put our fears into perspective, but if not…

Step 3: Do you have any influence over the outcome?  

If you CAN control the outcome: 

(Example: “I won’t meet my deadlines this week”)

• Take Action – This is our opportunity to put our worry to use, and find a way to regain some control in the situation. Devise a plan for avoiding that worst-case scenario and find a step you could take immediately, in that moment. This could be making a detailed budget, googling career coaches/therapists, signing up for a dating app, or downloading a self-help book.
  
  My worry often comes from feeling like I have too much to do, so I find it helpful to write out a plan so I can see it visually. Usually I write down my desired outcome (like finishing a recording project or writing a song) and break it into small, manageable steps via a color-coded schedule. This allows me to see how my whole to-do list will get done and allows me to I can relax in the moment. 
  
  The goal here is to find something that gives you a sense of pro-activity and taking steps towards a change, and subsequently removing the stress in the moment. Something as simple as “in the morning I’m going to ask my boss for a 2-day extension” could allow you to get back to that much-needed sleep. 

If you CANNOT control the outcome (or can’t take action immediately): 

Example 1: “I’m worried it will rain during our outdoor event tomorrow.”

It’s time to let our adult, logical brain step in and do whatever is necessary to release the agonizing grip. This could be rationalizing the worry or just accommodating it. 

1. Distract yourself. This is the easiest and most efficient strategy for me. Put on a movie, call a friend, read a book, pull out a puzzle, or scroll TikTok. (Yes in this case screen time is totally warranted.) Idly fixating over something you can’t control will only cause more agitation and lost sleep, so give your mind some temporary relief until the wave of worry passes.
   
   
2. Find a feel-good activity. Go in search of a surge of our natural “happiness chemicals.”  We can dilute our worry chemicals (cortisol) with a dose of pleasure chemicals (dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, endorphins). This could be a trip to the gym, helping someone in need, a cold shower, a brisk walk, physical touch/intimacy, or coffee with a friend. It doesn’t make the worry go away, but it can offset it and lessen its potency – often allowing your logical brain to regain control. 
   
   
3. Recite a Mantra. It may feel “woo-woo” at the time, but repeating words can quiet the mind and usually allows a feeling of peace to creep in if done long enough. This is another form of distraction, but choosing the right mantra can also help counteract your racing thoughts. Here are some that work well for me, depending on the scenario:
   
   • “Allow what is”
   • “This is out of my hands
   • “This is a temporary chapter”
   • “If it’s not resolved, it’s not done yet”
   • “I am stronger than this feeling” 
   • “Things are okay”
   • “It all works out, just not on my timeline” 
     
     
4. Find a “gratitude antidote” I avoid “toxic positivity”, but when my worry fixates on a particular topic, usually there is a gratitude antidote to be found. This is something related to the worry that can remind us that our fears often stem from immense care, love, or good in our lives, and put the worry into perspective. 
    
   • Worried for someone’s health? You have an amazing love for another person, and are so lucky to have them. 
   • Worried about work? You have an income.
   • Worried about your future? You have ambition and motivation that is ready to be put to work.

Worrying isn’t being weak or “crazy”, and it is in no way shameful. Often it is the result of deep love and care for others, and concern that they or our lives together are in harm’s way. It’s natural, but doesn’t need to disrupt our lives to the degree that it does for many of us. I hope these strategies are helpful, and at the risk of being trite, I do trust that “it all works out.” 

With lots of calm and reassuring love, 

Diana 🌎💙💨