I wrote the original version of this post via voice-to-text on my drive home from a special evening seeing a new friend perform south of Nashville. (See more here on accommodating creativity.) On this drive, a warmth is over me that I haven’t felt in awhile. Like a hand on my shoulder. The warmth offered by a couple of life cues that tell you you’re going in the right direction, even though you may have no idea what lies ahead. There’s been a noticeable LACK of this feeling in my first few weeks of quiet time at home.

(This post is a good example of what I hope this blog will become now that travel year is over. Often themes arise in my life where conversations and experiences begin to overlap. Journal entries sound like they’re chapters from the same book, and it becomes obvious life is trying to teach me something specific. Anyone know the feeling?)

I won’t lie, this down time has not been a breeze. I finally have time and creative energy to work on something … but now what? Usually I have an urgent task at hand like a new set, a new album, album art, etc, which means structured creativity and deadlines. So what do I even like to spend my time creating if I don’t have to create something?

That “someday” list is finally in front of me, and it turns out it was a lot more comfortable to make that list than to actually tackle it. I’ve been adding to this list haphazardly for the last few years, which means it’s composed of lots of scattered, dream-line ideas with little cohesion or direction. A visionary’s dumping ground. Reading it both excites me and leaves me paralyzed. What do I work on first? What would be the best use of my time? What idea is most time-sensitive, or would be most successful right now? I’d like any sort of plan. Some direction. Some control. A sign. And maybe more than all that I’d just like to be “too busy” to have these larger questions and lack of answers.

It has felt like I’ve been sitting with a bunch of puzzle pieces scattered in front of me, but they all seem like they’re from different puzzles and I can’t make any sense of them. No corner pieces in sight to get me started. I find myself envying those with one succinct passion or area of expertise, or who dream of making one specific project happen. My issue isn’t in the doing, it’s the deciding.

I often talk with other creatives about the psychological harm of swimming in too many ideas, and these weeks have put my strategies to the test. I have a list of organizational tools (someday to be an app) for sorting through these ideas and turning them into reality, but there’s a new filter in the equation: ‘what are you genuinely excited about?’ It’s harder to answer than I realized, and it may take some seemingly aimless creative time to figure it out. I’m notorious for saying “if you can’t decide, you don’t have enough information,” and, in this case, that information may only come with some whimsy and time spent. That‘s definitely easier said than done, and I had no idea how difficult directionless creative time was for me until now, but acknowledging that in itself has given this time some purpose. I’ve had to say out loud to myself: ‘I’m not wasting time, I’m researching what feels most exciting right now.’

Nashville seems to really get this whole idea. It’s very common to chat music over coffee, pick some tunes, write a song, etc… Sometimes there’s a specific project in mind, but more often it’s just for the sake of connection, bettering your craft, and further exploring the art you love. There’s an admirable trust that the rest will follow, and that whatever is meant to happen, will.

At one of my most recent coffee chats I asked this new musician friend about his success, and he described his life as “a series of unusual decisions that felt right at the time.” What I take from that: Less planning, more doing. This conversation served as my reminder that we humans are just not important or powerful enough to assume we can control this crazy story we’re living. We don’t have the answers, and I’m starting to believe that assuming we do is at best a little naive, and at worst a big ol’ waste of time. He followed this idea up with a song at the show tonight, whose lyrics hit these feelings home:

“all that matters is what you do next.”

This current lack of direction isn’t new in my life, in fact I’ve written about it here, but my ability to ‘take my hands off the wheel’ and ‘let life unfold’ is requiring more strength and patience than ever before. I could spend this time planning or I could just start the doing. You don’t always need a plan. Just do whatever feels most right, right now. Those tormenting puzzle pieces haven’t gone anywhere, in fact they’re multiplying, but I’m trying not to let them cause the stress that comes from picking them up and forcing them to fit. So maybe I just say ‘screw it’ and paint a picture of the box instead.

Thanks for reading, drriifters. Don’t hesitate to chime in with thoughts or suggestions. I’ll keep you posted. In the meantime, here are my newest sources of inspiration:

www.roryfeek.com
http://www.firekidmusic.com/

And my summer playlist:

With love,
Diana 💙🌏💨