I began this blog post as an exploration of my thoughts as I left my band of 17 years- a career that consumed my entire adult life. “Bittersweet” was the term we used countless times and it truly was a blend of sadness, nostalgia, and excitement for new beginnings. Then my Dad passed away. And “goodbye” resurfaced in a way that felt totally different, but I eventually found it was not that different. And it also resembled saying goodbye to my best friend, my running career, relationships, and other more unexpected events. 

The act of saying goodbye has become a familiar process to me, and as we said goodbye to the band I began to realize that it was just that, a process. Through regular journaling I found that being intentional about this process was comforting and helped me ease the transitions from life with something to life without it. I like a to-do list, or better yet a “how-to”, especially when it comes to life’s big challenges. 

Goodbyes happen every day and to varying degrees throughout our year. They span from finishing a great meal to losing a loved one.  But saying goodbye isn’t always overt – it can also be hidden amongst celebratory events like getting a new job, committing to a partner, or finishing a big project. Sometimes it becomes saying goodbye to all the things we won’t have anymore because of the new “hello.” And it’s okay to feel sadness alongside these events too. 

So, after saying goodbye to my best friend suddenly, my dad not-so-suddenly, my band in a year-long process, and also many great “hellos”,  there were 5 commonalities they all shared. I hope this list validates your experience and gives a little structure to what can otherwise be a painful and confusing process. 

5 things to expect when saying goodbye

1. Change
Your life will change, your days will change, your perspective will change, your motivations and wants will change. You will inevitably have changed as a person. Every goodbye is marked with some type of newness. This can be uncomfortable, exciting, scary, disorienting, or all of the above. Our job going forward is to accept the new version of life and ourselves, without spending too much time searching for the former version. There is a new “normal” now, and the sooner we can find peace with this, the better.

2. Sadness
Sometimes it’s obvious and sometimes it’s unexpected. Sadness that accompanies painful loss is like nothing else. (More thoughts on grief here) But also, sadness can surprise us when we’re supposed to be happy. Leaving a job you didn’t enjoy will mean saying goodbye to aspects of your life you did enjoy. (Familiarity, co-workers, your routine). Saying yes to something wonderful is saying goodbye to all the things you won’t have in its place. All the lives you won’t live. Sadness is a degree of longing for how things used to be, or won’t ever be. 

3. Space
Rather than say “void”, I choose “space”. Goodbye means the absence of something.  You have a finite amount of time and energy, and no matter the cause, size, or pain of the goodbye, you’ve created a space. A newfound surplus. You may experience disorientation or aimlessness caused by this new space, and then be tasked with how to fill it. There is opportunity in every ending, and while I’m not suggesting we “see the bright side” of tragic loss, it helps to acknowledge that there will be a space that eventually needs filling, and this will often have to be an intentional, pro-active process. This could be a new hobby, travel, or friendships. 

4. Memories
An aspect I’ve only just recently put my finger on – one goodbye inevitably resurfaces others. Such strong feelings are remembered in the heart and body, often subconsciously, so it’s no surprise that one loss can often bring up the memories of another. Your body remembers the last time it felt it. And the goodbyes have the potential to compound. My tears about Dad often flow steadily into the pain of losing Kim.  As I’ve quoted in my previous blog on grief – “the healing is in the feeling.” (David Kessler) Feel it all, don’t hold back, let the tears flow. 

5. Trust
Trust that you and your life will continue on the other side. Some would say “faith”,  others “hope.” It means sitting with the not-knowing, and continuing without resisting what has come to be. Some days it’s blindly walking into a dark abyss, one foot in front of the other. Other days it’s looking through a window of opportunity. You’ll embark on a life that feels new, but you and your humanness have the ability to adapt and go forward. You have before, and you will again. 

Godspeed, drriifters. Here for you, always!  💙🌎
Diana