The girl on the plane described Montana as “the most beautiful place in the country” and I smiled politely but was not convinced. We arrived at Big Sky at night, and upon opening the curtains the next morning… I got it. Rolling hills, rock formations, mountains, meadows, forests, lakes… and all huge. The sheer number of beautiful landmarks everywhere is staggering. It’s truly our country at its finest, and I’m so happy to say I’ve experienced it firsthand.

I was eager to get out and do some hiking, and it wasn’t until we were being dropped off at the trailhead that our driver mentioned it being a 5-hour hike (not 2 hours like we thought), and something about bells and pepper spray to repel bears. Huh? Bears? Wait… We were also without water, sunscreen, snacks, and lots of other amenities we noticed everyone else had brought. Great- I guess we were going to risk it! We started up the mountain and felt the elevation immediately: Heavy legs and short breaths. Knowing full well we would return exhausted with some mosquito bites and sunburns, (Oh and possibly torn apart by a grizzly) we were committed to a fun and leisurely hike.

When I saw the sign I knew that was about to change. “Beehive Basin: 1.5 Miles.” I wished I hadn’t seen it. At that point in our lovely venture, we had 40 minutes before we needed to turn around. That may seem like plenty to walk 1.5 miles, but this trail was up a mountain and started at 7500 feet, so it was likely going to be a long, hard journey through very thin air if I decided to set this destination as my goal. Until now our intent was to spend a few carefree hours hiking, but I knew my goal-driven, competitive, strive–for–excellence wasn’t going to let that sign be unseen. I was offered a challenge and an opportunity to achieve. I couldn’t not. 

Pushing myself and a drive for forward momentum has always been one of my most powerful qualities, but lately to a fault. I do a lot of self-measurement based on to-do lists and productivity, which also means I spend a great deal of time working toward the future rather than fully experiencing what’s in front of me. This hike went from an enjoyable activity to a “thing to be done.” A destination rather than a journey, and even though I found it comfortable to have a concrete purpose and direction, I was disappointed that I no longer could just relax and enjoy the day.

Needless to say I made it to the basin, and even a bit further so that I could take a good photo of the basin. Ugh.
And you know what? It wasn’t that great. It was pretty and all, but it looks like a large puddle in pictures. There were way more beautiful moments and fun memories on the way up. I found myself feeling as guilty for reaching my goal as I would have been tortured by not reaching it. I couldn’t win. When asked if I reached the top I shrugged and said “yes.” “Good for you!” was the response, but I wasn’t sure. Yes, I pushed myself up this mountain at an unnecessary pace to experience the basin, but would my ongoing efforts to be kinder to myself have been more victorious if I hadn’t reached the landmark? Would that have been more of an achievement? This is a metaphor for a much larger daily struggle. Where does the line between great work ethic and unhealthy self-expectations lie?

I’m proud to say that after this hike and over the course of the next few days, I would neglect a lot of things. Flights that needed to be booked, emails to be responded to, tunes to be practiced… I didn’t do any of them. Instead I was doing recovery yoga after my hike in Big Sky, getting a personally guided tour into historic mines in Butte, and being chauffeured around Yellowstone National Park, in between playing big shows and enjoying a weekend with dear friends. Periodically throughout each of these packed days I would remember my “to-do” list and cringe. It felt like I was being so irresponsible; but after my experience at Beehive Basin, it was much easier to be sure that what I was currently experiencing was far more important, and the certainty was satisfying. I kept remembering a quote that I had heard a while back:

“How you spend your days is how you spend your life.”

The days add up quickly. There will be days without peak experiences to focus on tasks and push forward, and there will be days when there is more important living to be done. My music and travel life offers me many once-in-a-lifetime experiences, and I have the choice whether to be present for them or not. What am I working toward, anyway? When do I arrive? Probably after all that achieving I’ll reward myself by spending a carefree day hiking in Big Sky or playing in Yellowstone.

More to come. 💙🌏💨

Diana